My Personal (Birth) Peanut Story: My Final Post

I have been thinking long and hard about what I wanted my final post on this blog to be about. About a month and a half ago there was a blog carnival hosted by The Unnecesarean about Infant Mortality.  During that time I thought…..   hmmmm I think I will share my personal birth story, and that will be my last post for this blog. I started the post at that time and never got around to finishing it.  To be honest, it was making me kinda sad and I thought…. who needs to or wants to read about this… and why do I want to share something so personal anyway. With that in mind, I pushed my personal story back and tried to think of another topic for my final blog post. Last week, I saw a message on face book…. 

This week, we remember all babies born sleeping or whom we have carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority won’t do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all angels.

I reposted it as my personal status and as a new wall post on the Your Birth Right fan page and with that, my personal birth story came back to me front and center as the best topic to write about for my final post on this blog.  I realized that I needed and wanted to tell my birth story on THIS blog and so here it is.  This post is quite long and very personal.  If you decide to share a comment, please be kind.  I am sharing and hope that my story can help someone, bless someone, give someone strength. I am sharing because I personally NEED to share and I am being helped and gaining strength by sharing.

If you read to the end God bless you :-0.  Retrospectively the information that I am sharing below is far more than I ever thought I would.  I started writing and couldn’t stop and don’t know why I decided to keep typing but  here it is…  my birth story and my personal and very direct connection to the recent Blog Carnival about infant mortality. 

Mortality is never a happy subject.  Who wants to talk about death??  And In my line of work especially,…  I mean really, no one wants to talk about dead babies. While we don’t want to talk about it, that blog carnival brought to light that we NEED to talk about it because the  reality is too many babies in this country die before their first birthday and too many of them are a result of the unfortunate disparities that exist in our country and they belong to members of the African American community.  I won’t really get into numbers or statistics here because that is not why I am writing this post. If you want numbers, read some of the posts from the aforementioned carnival.  

Many people have ideas, opinions, and misguided judgments about the real and huge disparities that exist around perinatal morbidity and mortality in our country. The fact remains that African American babies die at 2-4 times the rate of Caucasian babies. The reasons are wide and varied. While poor prenatal care, low-socioeconomic status, and low educational attainment can be named as culprits;  these disparities continue even in populations where these things are equal.

While I don’t see myself simply as a number, I realize as I mention them… statistics/numbers I am part of them.  In fact, if  you look at the 2003 infant mortality numbers, my pregnancy, my labor, my birth, my experience, my baby , my Peanut are counted in those numbers. 

Flash Back to 2003:
Who woulda thunk it…. a woman with TWO masters degrees from a top notch university, a women who’s personal life work and calling is maternity care… who wulda THUNK that I would have an unintended pregnancy that was initially an unwanted pregnancy and soon to be an infant mortality  statistic.

Many people couldn’t believe it but it was true. I was pregnant.  Initially I had zero desire to be pregnant. It was not time. I was not in a committed relationship and was still having too much fun.  I was not ready!!!!!  Is anyone ever REALLY ready?  I think the answer to that question is no.  And I fit that bill with exclamation!!! I was not ready… No, no, Nooooo a thousand times NOOOOO!!!  With all of that in mind you may understand that I was not particular proud of my pregnancy.

In fact the first time I prepared to write this post, I came across my journal from that time. It is VERY interesting to go back and read those old entries: scary almost.  It certainly was not the joyous time that it should have been for me.  At least not initially, As I carried my baby through the second, third, fourth and into my fifth month however, my attitude, my feelings, my desires began to change.  I was gonna be a mother and like it or not  it was time for me to get it together and prepare for her arrival. 

I had MANY feelings then… I was ashamed and embarrassed, I was scared and felt very alone even though I didn’t have to feel that way. I had great support from family and friends.  PERSONALLY I felt like I had done wrong.  It was a VERY hard thing for me to accept and for many reasons I ran away from it and in doing so also ran away from my support systems. 

I was uninsured and living in Jackson Mississippi.  I knew I wanted a different birth experience than I could get there and didn’t know I had a few more options at home in New Orleans. What I did know was I could get the home birth or birth center birth I wanted in California. I had worked out there before and so with a stubborn mind and my missing brain I made the decision to move away from my support systems to work and live in a state where I had only one friend. My plan was to work as a travel nurse, find a GREAT provider and prepare to birth my baby who had come to affectionately be known as Peanut. 

And so I commenced to working too much, sleeping too little, and not taking care of myself. In the midst of it all, I thought it would be wise to start working another part time job at a local birth center.

I remember the birth center and the start of my labor vividly.  It was my first day of work there and I assisted with a beautiful water birth. The first I had ever seen.  I was very happy that I had made the decision to move to California.  Watching that water birth, I knew that this choice would allow me the freedom to birth where and how I wanted. Or so I thought.

The reality was much different. You see that day, as the mother contracted to give birth to her full term health baby so did I.  I contracted too, only my baby was nowhere near full term. I ignored all of the cramping and weird sensations as I participated in this beautiful water birth.  Yep I felt them… all day and ignored them.  After all was done, the nurse who was orienting me looked at me with wise eyes and said “okay mamma, I think YOU need to get some rest.”  I always think about the way she made that statement. I may have been imagining things but she gave me this look like she intuitively knew something was happening and that was my directive to hit the road and hit my personal bed. As I drove back to my apartment, the pains in my lower abdomen, the cramping began to get stronger and more regular. I knew something was not right and I was definitely afraid. I went to my room and took a quick bath, grabbed a few personal hygiene items, the copy of my prenatal records from the appointments I had before leaving for California and proceeded to find someone to drive me to the nearest hospital.

All my fears were soon realized… Yep… I was contracting.. yep that leaking I felt, and had BEEN feeling, was NOT urine it was my amniotic fluid, and yes I was 2 centimeters dilated.

The nearby hospital was not equipped to take care of my 24 ½ week baby so I was quickly transferred to Lucielle Packard (LP) hospital, the women’s hospital affiliated with Stanford University.  Initially in shock, at the first hospital I responded to questions and demands like many lay persons, asking few questions and not paying much attention to the mediocre care I received.  By the time I arrived to LP however, I was alert and oriented and I had decided that I would personally dictate my care. (HAHAH nurses can be the worse patients) I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want and I knew that I had rights.

I knew how premature my baby was going to be and after prayer and guidance I knew that I did not want heroic measures used to keep me pregnant or to keep her alive. I spoke with the neonatologists on call and demanded a REAL picture not full of hope and possibilities but full of the hard truth. “”Give it to me straight”" I demanded. And they did. Less than 50% survival rate and if she did survive the prognosis was going  to be touch and go for months.

Peanut was breech and the hospital physicians told me that for optimal survival opportunities I should agree to a cesarean section. I KNEW what my outcome was going to be. I had prayed about it and I KNEW I did not need or want a cesarean section. I argued about it and finally they let me alone.  They gave me medications to stop my labor and while it slowed things down tremendously it did not stop my labor and in about 24 hours Peanut was born.  She lived a few hours. I held her and cried and cried. I was angry with God, and angry with myself but her fate was sealed and my first birth experience was had.

I face my loss every day I go to work.  Not in a sad way.  I realize that my experience is what it is.  I draw strength from it and use it to provide more empathetic care. 

It took me YEARS to be able to openly discuss my pregnancy, my birth, and my experience.  I never wanted to get sympathy or have anyone feel sorry for me. It was something that I was initially ashamed of and quite frankly embarrassed that it happened. Now I know that my story may help someone. I know that while I pray for the opportunity to birth again, the birth of Peanut was a beautiful birth for me.  I am happy that while I had to initially fight for them, my wishes, and desires were ultimately listened to.

I really do have a vision that every woman will have her birth wishes and desires respected, heard, and listened to. If I thought I would have been heard in MS or LA I would have never gone to California. It’s a sad state of affairs when women feel like they  have to flee or fight to be heard.  Even though my baby lived only a few hours, I hold dear the vaginal breech birth that I had in a compassionate, loving, and supportive environment with the OB docs and the neonatal team hearing my wishes and providing me with patient centered care.  I do remember the sad feelings of loss but I also remember the caring way I was cared for and ultimately isn’t that what we want.

Peanut will ALWAYS be a part of my life. She will always remind me of the miracles that we carry as women and the blessing of a healthy pregnancy and empowering birth experience.  I look forward to continuing to contribute my small part to make this a better birthing space for all women.

I thank EVERYBODY who has read this blog, who has commented, who has recommended, gave me a ping back etc etc etc…. Here’s to you… Here’s to us… Here’s to Peanut and Here’s to all women worldwide who birth everyday and to the people who love and support them.

Peace and Blessings!! In Birth and Love
Nicole

Saying Goodbye to Peanut
(Written December 2003 – within a week of her birth)

With little urge she descended
Only her crown left to be released
Another small maternal effort and she entered the world with a small sound
Not a full cry yet enough to make her Spirit known
In her heart a lively rhythm yet she struggled to take a breath

Help me breathe
Help me breathe
Help me breathe

With little urge she descended
Her bottom first they would see
Sixteen plus seven ounces
Just past 24 weeks
Smaller than I’ve held before
We tried Peanut my sweet
And now I sit and weep

I weep… I weep… I weep…

I weep for your life for your presence
You are so beautiful to me
And I know we could have would have conquered the world
We would have been a team nut’n nice
Sweet sassy and full of spice

July 4^th she was created in a moment of fast passion
Though shame initially followed soon in a short time I grew to love you.
Your precious life was mine

With little urge she descended
And soon after was called home
With me only for a moment
But long enough to be my own

Father Mother God… Creator of the skies
Please hold my Peanut close and help me dry my eyes
Help me know her purpose and why she came to be
Help me accept your decision to take her so swiftly

You will forever be my peanut
My one and only first
You changed my world, my life, my soul

I am forever changed
Forever changed and asking why
You will forever be my sweet
My Peanut Butterfly